


Tonight, Tonight

by mistermoriarti



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: First Kiss, Fluff, Last Kiss, M/M, Pining, Post-Split, Pre-Split, suffer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-22
Updated: 2015-06-22
Packaged: 2018-04-05 16:41:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4187196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mistermoriarti/pseuds/mistermoriarti
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He's decided. </p><p>Tonight, tonight will be the night. </p><p>Now all he has to do is be brave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tonight, Tonight

He's decided. 

  
Tonight, tonight will be the night. 

 

Now all he has to do is be brave. 

 

\---

 

Hot, sweaty, lovely. Shows are his favorite to perform, the energy of the music making him feel more and more alive with each passing minute. Spencer's drums reverberated in Brendon's chest, a soothing and steady beat that his heart synced up to. Ryan's words were leaving his mouth with passion, into a microphone and into the ears of kids with malleable minds. These words were changing them, inspiring them. Tonight, more than just their dreams would change. 

 

"You're running through a sunflower field in the month of May." Brendon found an audience member in the way back to focus on. "The cotton candy clouds are dancing across a crystal blue sky..." He turned away from the thousands of people in front of him, faced Ryan. Slowly walked over. 

 

"Your lover is running towards you, The wind is whipping through her lovely lavish locks...." Brendon, routinely, tucked Ryan's longer hair behind his ear. His makeup was smearing slightly from his sweat, dripping slowly down his cheek. Ryan wasn't looking at him. 

 

Good. It would make it easier. 

 

"And they embraced, for that perfect passionate kiss..." Brendon leaned in, slowly, bringing his hand up to Ryan's jaw. He kept leaning, kept going, and he knew Ryan was going to lean away and second now -- 

 

Ryan looked up at the last minute and met Brendon's eyes, an expression on his face that he'd only ever seen when they were alone. Alone on the bus at 3am, high and giggly. Alone in the practice space when Brendon was absentmindedly strumming chords and happened to look up. Alone, when Brendon was singing Ryan's lyrics for the first time, testing them out. 

 

An expression of love. 

 

Brendon tightened his grip on Ryan's jaw and closed the gap between them, microphone slowly lowering out of the way, momentarily forgotten about. Sweaty lips met soft ones, and the crowd roared but all Brendon could hear was the blood in his ears. His senses went into overdrive, everywhere Ryan or Ryan's clothing was touching him exploded, his nose filled with the scent of some serious body odor but Ryan's own smell was underneath it, mingling. Sparks danced under Brendon's eyelids, and while the kiss remained chastely close-mouthed, when Brendon pulled away he could still taste Ryan lingering there. 

 

"But this is not that story." Brendon's vision was fuzzy when he turned away from Ryan. He couldn't see past his mic stand, and chose not to meet Ryan's eyes. "This is hard, sweaty, angry, crazy, monstrous...fucking." 

 

The crowd was still screaming, and now that's all he could hear as the song started up, Ryan's part noticeably absent for the first few beats. 

 

\---

 

Brendon played the rest of the performance as usual. Ryan still sang his backup parts, and Brendon still shared his mic with him, suggestively close, and they still stared at each other as they belted the lyrics. Ryan's face was now unreadable, and Brendon took as long as he could to try and decipher it before pulling away. 

 

Maybe he shouldn't have done it. 

 

\---

 

The last song was played, and as the band left the stage Brendon offered to take last shower, saying he was going to the bus to grab some clothing he forgot. 

 

Anything to get away from the obvious tension in the room from what he had done. 

 

The bus doors closed behind him and he sighed, long and drawn out. Padding softly over to his bunk, he began digging around for clean underwear and jeans slowly, in no hurry to return to the crowded dressing room.

 

In no hurry to return to his impending death, whether it be by embarrassment or Ryan himself. 

 

He shouldn't have done it. 

 

Unfortunately, when Brendon turned around after gathering his clothing, the man in question was standing right there. 

 

"Brendon, I..." he started, looking lost. His stage makeup was still painted on his face, faded but present, and he was still sticky and sweaty from the show. It only made him that much cuter. 

 

"Look, Ryan, I'm sorry, okay?" Brendon said with his eyes nailed to the floor, ashamed. "I'm so, so sorry. I'll never do it again, I just...got caught up in the movements. You don't have to worry about future slip-ups --"

 

"Brendon."

 

He finally looked up, meeting Ryan's gentle hazel eyes. 

 

"I...I _want_ you to do it again." Brendon realized Ryan's hands were trembling. "I've always --- I've always wondered what it would be like, yknow? If I didn't pull away? But every night I just...chicken out. But tonight..."

 

  
Tonight. 

 

Brendon stepped forward, into Ryan's personal space. He trailed off, gazing down into the shorter man's darkening brown eyes. Ryan's Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed hard, refusing to break eye contact and shy away for the umpteenth time at an opportunity like this. Tilting his head, Brendon pushed himself up on his toes, up to Ryan; up to his bandmate, friend, brother, lover (?). 

 

Ryan met him halfway, and this time there was no shocked bodily response from him. He was warm and pliant, willing. Brendon found his hands weaving into Ryan's long and unkempt curly brown hair, and was aware of Ryan's hands on his hips. At first it was slow, dry kisses over and over, but then Brendon found himself being pushed backwards into a wall where Ryan pinned him. His mouth opened slightly, tongue darting out to run along Brendon's bottom lip, and Brendon failed at holding back a moan. He opened his mouth for Ryan, and the sensation that filled him shouldn't have been new but it was. He had kissed plants of other people before but this was distinctly different somehow. Maybe it was the feeling of Ryan's tongue sliding over his, or all too familiar hands pulling him close by the belt loops. Maybe it was the way that Ryan was kissing, harsh and passionate like how he was with his music. 

 

When breathing became an issue, Brendon tore himself away. He couldn't tell if the panting was from the kissing or hyperventilating over the last few minutes' events. Ryan's eyes were nearly black, all traces of green-brown reduced to a sliver. His makeup was an unidentifiable large black smudge, and Brendon knew part of it was on him.

 

He's so glad he did it. 

 

After months of dancing around each other, around the obvious, they had kissed. 

 

Their first kiss. 

 

\---

 

But this was their last. 

 

It was hard and desperate with so much put behind it. Both of Brendon's hands were holding Ryan's face, trying to remind him of what they had had before. 

 

"Ryan, don't do this --"

 

"Brendon," he said angrily, pushing him away. "We can't continue this."

 

"Yes we can, we can do anything we want --"

 

"Brendon, I don't want this anymore!"

 

Brendon's world crashed to a stop around him. A loud ringing filled his ears."What?"

 

"I'm sorry," Ryan whispered. "We just don't want the same things anymore." 

 

The ringing persisted. "Look, I'll -- okay, we don't have to go public, just --"

 

"Bren," he said softly. "We're done."

 

Ryan got up and walked out of the room, and Brendon didn't know it also doubled as Ryan walking out of his life. 

 

Ringing. The ringing never stopped. 

 

Ryan and Jon announced they were leaving the band the next day. 

 

\---

 

_and being blue // is better than being over it_


End file.
